Carol Merwin

I am willing to make mistakes.

Life is a process of growth, which requires doing things you’ve never done before, things that push up against the boundaries of what you don’t know, which can lead to results that come to be labeled as “mistakes” but, in fact, are the exact lessons needed to grow and evolve. *

Take love relationships as an example. My parents didn’t give me a lot of clues as to what a loving partnership looks like. They were married, and got along in some ways, but were sadly mismatched in other ways. So I had no way to know that being in love didn’t involve sulking, shouting, swearing, slamming doors, hurling accusations, throwing down ultimatums, criticizing, insulting, stalking off in disgust, turning a cold shoulder, and other forms of what I now consider bad behavior. And by bad, I don’t mean something to feel shamed by; I mean something that is unproductive in creating and maintaining a loving and respectful partnership.

In finding my way in relationships I made dramatic missteps, and I did not like to take responsibility for them. I simply could not see my role in my own downfall.

I would like to say to those men in my past: I am deeply sorry for the times I lied, I controlled, I manipulated, I pleaded, I blamed, I used my sexuality, I was rage-filled, I was a coward, I was a doormat (ridiculously sweet and accommodating), I was mean, I didn’t communicate what I needed, I was stubborn, I was a chameleon and never showed the real me, I expected you to be a mind-reader, I had a distorted perspective, I was massively triggered by minor transgressions, and I made you feel crazy because my feelings and emotions were out of control. I recognize that the main thing I had going for me was a desperation to be loved that made me wildly passionate and committed in relationships. I offered loyalty whether it was deserved or not. I hope my devotion and commitment made up for some of my shortcomings. The movie title Truly, Madly, Deeply perfectly describes how I fell in love.

In my love life, I had no idea of how to exercise a selection process, or how to slow the pace of a relationship and get to know the man, or how to date a variety of men as a process for finding my best fit. My pattern over many years was to emerge from a period of profound loneliness, connect with a man based on intense chemistry, immediately fall deeply in love, then painfully lose that love and spiral into grief and hopelessness. My enormous shortcomings either attracted someone equally deficient in relationship skills, or drove away any man that understood what a healthy relationship looked like. Despite the gaping holes in my relationship skills, I always blamed the man for the ruinous outcome. My pattern led to a pretty rapid turnover. I needed the practice.

I would like to say to some (though certainly not all) of the men in my past, now I can recognize the quality of the love you offered. I could not see it at the time, and I had no capacity to receive it. It was my thing to push men away, and then cast myself in the role of victim because they left me. Those men must have been bewildered when I created drama to end the relationship and then blamed them. Over time I built up a wall of cynicism, bitterness and victimhood no one could break through. Looking back, I’m deeply saddened by what I threw away.

When we know better we do better – that’s a true statement (thank you Maya Angelou). Through all the relationships I did work hard and try my best. I look back in sorrow at that young woman. How ill equipped she was to hold up her end of a mature and well-functioning relationship.

I like to think of myself as a good person, but if I’m being honest, I’ve done bad things.

I don’t like to lay out my mistakes in explicit detail. I don’t have the strength of heart to own up to everything. Suffice it to say, don’t break up with men on their birthday, if you’re fighting and driving, don’t slam on the brakes in a random location and tell them to get out, don’t fall in love without knowing the first thing about who they are, don’t get involved with a married man even if he says it’s all over but the divorce paperwork, don’t act like it is OK if he shows up late 100 times, then end it on the 101^st time without a word of explanation. Don’t expect him not be who he has explicitly told you he is. Don’t make changing him your project. If you move out while he is out of town, don’t leave a couple crappy pair of shoes you don’t want to bother packing up on the shoe rack in the entryway, because when he sees them he will think you are still there (I didn’t do this, a friend of mine did, I just helped with the move). Don’t think men are impervious to pain. They are not. They feel things deeply. Relationships are nuanced and multi-layered so don’t paint them as black-and-white. Don’t stand on your second floor deck and throw full cans of beer down onto his car as he is trying to drive away – there is no dignity in that (it wasn’t me that did that, but seeing it made me want to do it). Don’t pretend things are OK when they are not; that never works. Better to face things head on. Stand for your truth, but be honest in the kindest possible way; don’t hurt someone needlessly. Say the hard things face-to-face, not by leaving a nasty note on his windshield when you find his car parked at another woman’s house overnight. Don’t intentionally push his buttons just because you like to add anger and danger into the emotional blender along with love.

Now that I’ve been in a good relationship for 25 years people like to tell me I’m lucky. Which annoys me because maybe there was good fortune involved, but I think my luck relates to the fact that I dated for two and a half decades and ever so slowly learned what I needed to learn. I even had a practice marriage – tough, but necessary. Every relationship was an opportunity to learn what worked for me and what didn’t. I made every mistake there is to make, but I didn’t make the same mistake over and over, so I evolved. My advice is to accept that you’ll make the mistake you need to make to learn what you need to learn. I acknowledge this approach can lead to a painful journey, but we’re not meant to stand still in life.

In the end I had a list of 26 items that defined the man and the relationship I wanted, and ultimately the man I chose to partner with had 24 (he wasn’t a musician, and there is one other thing I can’t remember so it must not have been super important). That’s being willing to take a hard look at what needs to change in myself. That’s doing the work to make it happen. That’s learning the lessons. That’s learning to ask for help and listen to someone farther down the path than you are (I was in therapy for about a decade). That’s staying in the game and not giving up on the dream. If I hadn’t been willing to make mistakes, my dream of finding my right partner would never have come true. What’s the saying, fall down seven times, get up eight. Do that.

As a footnote, I took time from writing this to watch the inauguration of President Biden and Vice President Harris, and was deeply moved by a line in the poem recited by Amanda Gorman. It sums up for us collectively in this time what I held to individually on my personal journey all those years ago.

“…if nothing else, say this is true, that even as we grieved, we grew. That even as we hurt, we hoped.”

* In my journal I found this written with no attribution. I’m not sure if I read it, or heard it, or if it came from inside my head. Normally I note the source when I jot down an idea from someone else in my journal. So I’m not sure if this is a random thought of my own, or something someone shared. If anyone knows who said this (if someone other than me said it first), please let me know.

© Carol Merwin 2021

What do I want in the New Year?

I’m a little late getting started. Here it is January 12^th, 2021, a date when many people have already given up on their New Year’s resolutions, and I haven’t even articulated mine. January 19^th is now called Quitter’s Day because most people have given up. 80% of people will have put resolutions aside by the second week of February (if you can believe what you read – I have no idea how they make that measurement).

If I’m being honest, I’ve been super distracted by political events unfolding and have not had the focus to look long-range into 2021. Still, it’s time to take a pause from news and consider what I want to create in my life this year.

In reflecting back on 2020, I made some headway. I did some things I set out to do. I fell short on some things. Given the year, I was physically and emotionally exhausted by October/November and was only going for the easy win, the low hanging fruit, by that point. Anything too lofty had definitely gone by the wayside. This is a fresh opportunity to kick off new goals and set my sights higher.

I’ve used a variety of approaches in setting out on a new year. I attempt to get past the usual, get to the heart of where I want to go in life. It is good to clarify whether I am I creating intentions, resolutions, goals, or aspirations. Tools I have used:

• The Be-Do-Have inspiration board (3 columns: 1) what do I want to be, 2) what do I want to do, 3) what do I want to have).

• Vision board based on the Feng Shui bagua map (9 boxes, 3 across and 3 down, each with a representation of what I want to create in that part of my life).

• The mood board (gives more of an inspirational vibe of what I want life to feel like – without specifics). I create the picture of what I want and let the Universe take care of the how.

• Treasure map – opposite of the mood board – goal is in the center, and the map illustrates steps I’ll take in the process.

• Last year I didn’t create goals, I wrote myself a permission slip. I gave myself permission to do a lot of things I’ve never done – a totally different approach I found inspiring and freeing. (blog Archives, February 2020, Writing the Permission Slip)

I find something visual and creative more fun than making a list, but I’ve made plenty of lists of goals and month-by-month action plans in past years. I don’t consider the vision board merely “wishful thinking”. It’s a creative process that can bring forward ideas about things I don’t even consciously know I want. The creative process taps into the subconscious as I intuitively choose images and words; this helps my imagination create the vision.

This year I will use the vision as the jumping off point, and be more methodical and left-brain in laying out the steps. My process doesn’t have to be either “this or that”. It can be both “this and that”, incorporating both left and right brain elements. I want to give myself something to measure for success. I want to apply some left-brain thinking to determine how my strengths, talents, abilities and skills (to think, choose, imagine and create) will get me there. Mainly I’m going to look at putting structure, support, and teachers in place with broader, monthly goals. With those elements in place, the day-to-day will take care of itself without a bunch of checklists.

Some things I’m considering in my process:

• There is no point to living a life I don’t enjoy. Am I going to find joy in the steps it takes to achieve the goal?
• Is this goal going to add to my life or take away from it?
• Is it coming from a healthy motivation?
• If losing 10 pounds is the answer, what is the question? If the desire is health and fitness, make the goal health and fitness.
• Is the result worth the lifestyle changes it will require?
• Do I have the structure in my life to do it – time in my schedule, space, support, skills, information? Can I start today with what’s available?
• Am I willing to keep going with consistent action, even on days when I’m not in the mood? Is there a “why” behind the goal that keeps me going even if motivation lags? And when is it OK to take a pause rather than force myself to keep going?
• Am I willing to take vague wants and wishes and break them down to specific goals for which I create a week-by-week action plan?
• What will a milestone look like? How am I going to measure success?
• How do action goals (what do I want to do) interconnect with outcome goals (what do I want to be, what do I want to have)? Am I measuring steps or results?

This is not going to be the year to push, push, push – it is going to be another year to be kind and gentle and self-supporting rather than self-critical. Truly, I should tell myself this every year. I no longer want to ruin my health by pushing relentlessly to accomplish more and more. I want to acknowledge myself when I succeed, not punish failure. (Labeling success and failure is something I’ve analyzed quite a bit in the past so I won’t address it here.)

So, here are my 3 specific intentions. They feel very doable.

1. Walk 3-7 days per week, and build up my strength and take occasional longer hikes.
2. Write, and be visible with what I write, by sharing or posting 1 time per week.
3. Finish 6 quilts or sewing projects that are currently incomplete.

This boils down to better fitness and health through exercise I enjoy. Plus developing creative pursuits, including stretching myself to complete projects and show my work.

Is my list of goals complete?

One way of answering that is to work backward, and ask:

• What gives me a sense of accomplishment?
• What gives me enjoyment?
• What gives me a sense of gratitude?
• What gives me a sense of fulfillment?
• What gives my life balance?
• What makes me like myself better?
• What contributes to my peace of mind?
• What strengthens my connection to family, friends, and community?
• What helps me lay my head on my pillow at night and get a good night’s sleep?

Looking to the past in this way, reflecting on what helps me achieve these things, gives me direction for the future.

The question can contain the answer when I ask, “What am I doing (today, or this week/month/year)”:

• To be of service to my community?
• To challenge myself mentally or physically, emotionally or spiritually?
• To plan responsibly for my future?
• To demonstrate love for family and friends?
• To pursue my passions and interests, and deepen my skills and abilities?
• To love the space I live in?
• To love the body I live in?
• To feel energized and alive with the life I’m living?
• To go for a stretch outside my comfort zone?

In looking at my goals, I see I’ve missed one that needs to be on the list. No doubt I left it off because it’s not something I enjoy doing – I just want the results. That is, complete my estate planning project and review financials with an advisor. This needs to be on the list for life balance/peace of mind/planning responsibly for my future/demonstrating love for my family. I know myself well enough to know I can’t spend every minute on fun adventures without a thought for the future; worry would constantly be running in the background.

And one more – be more generous to my friends and to organizations doing work I support. This one ticks multiple boxes too.

Five goals are plenty for someone as easily distracted as me. These aren’t super lofty change-the-world or reinvent-my-entire-life goals. Two quotes have given me perspective on constantly working on myself.

“The problem with self-improvement is knowing when to quit.”–David Lee Roth

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”–Guillaume Apollinaire

My final 2021 list:

1. Walk 3-7 days per week, and build up my strength and take occasional longer hikes.
2. Write, and be visible with what I write, by sharing or posting 1 time per week.
3. Finish 6 quilts or sewing projects. Do not start 6 new projects; finish 6 projects that are currently incomplete. It is OK to hire out parts I don’t enjoy or don’t have the tools for. Build new skills in this process. Finish one project every 2 months.
4. Complete my estate planning project and review financials with an advisor.
5. Be more generous with friends and organizations I support.

© 2021 Carol Merwin

The exercise is to write on stillness, use the color blue, and include a specific bird – with a time limit of 7 minutes. This is what I wrote:

My heart is dark. Full of pain. Yet the sky is still blue, the sun still shines. I know this because I sit staring out the window, semi-comatose, hours on end. Reflecting on how my life came to this point, to this loss. Time passes without awareness. What seems like the blink of an eye has been a couple hours on the clock. Tears stream down my face and it feels like 50 pound lead weights are strapped to each leg. I don’t know when I will have the energy to get up out of this chair. I’m too heavy and tired to move. In contrast the hummingbird has such energetic wings. The sun reflects the iridescent green as it moves. My sister thinks that’s how Matthew comes back to us.

To put this writing into context, my brother Matthew died 10 years ago and a hummingbird showed up in my sister’s yard just after, and she was (and still is) convinced it’s him. It’s a comfort to think that.

I just started watching the Netflix documentary Surviving Death and people talk about their experience seeing their body from outside their body. What part of them is the observer as the physical body is being resuscitated? It’s a topic that fascinates me.

A friend on mine, a hospice nurse, contributed to The Last Breath: True Stories of Mediumship, the Afterlife & Messages From Heaven. I have known her well for two decades, and she’s had many extraordinary experiences in her years of hospice nursing, being with people as they “crossed over”. There is not an iota of doubt in her mind that there is something on the other side.

My mom was not religious; never ever spoke of God, heaven, reincarnation or the afterlife. She was much too practical, no nonsense, and down-to-earth for that. So it struck me as odd when the last clear and lucid thing she ever said to me was “I want to go home”. That still makes me cry when I think about it. When she knew she was dying, but before she was at the end of life, I would sit at her bedside and tell her not to worry, it was going to be “all good” on the other side because she’d done so much service work in her life. If anyone deserved to go to heaven it was mom, based on decades of volunteering at the schools, food bank and library, doing tax returns at no cost for low-income and elderly, and teaching English as a second language. She believed in schools/libraries/education as the means out of poverty and she put her heart and soul into helping people attain better lives. In retirement she could have been traveling or playing or relaxing, but she worked what was essentially a full-time job with all her volunteering. Telling her she had no worries about what would happen on the other side seemed to reassure her.

I’ve written more words about the writing exercise than I wrote in the writing exercise. I know for sure I miss my brother profoundly. I believe in the soul, that the soul evolves, and what we take from this lifetime is the spiritual growth and lessons. If we’ve had a hard life, we chose that journey for the perfection of the lessons we would learn through the challenges. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and that the human experience is uniquely designed to help grow our capacity for love and compassion and forgiveness – toward ourselves, and others. I don’t believe when I die I will meet people who died before me in our old bodies; but I do think we travel together as souls who are in relationships with each other from one lifetime to the next. That doesn’t mean I don’t grieve the loss in this lifetime.

At a time when thousands of people a day are losing their lives to Covid-19 around the world, I suspect a lot of us are thinking about loved ones we have lost, wondering if they are present with us in some way here on earth, or if they’re someplace where we’ll meet up and be together again after our own death.

Here is a photo of my brother, not at the age he died, but at the age I like to remember him. When we were kids, when he was full of laughter, mischief, love, light, joy, innocence. Before darkness overtook him. When he was still perfectly happy to wear his hair in a buzz cut. What a beautiful spirit.

“In those days all heads of business firms adopted a guarded kind of double talk, commonly expressed in low, muffled tones, because nobody knew what was going to happen and nobody understood what had. Big business had been frightened by a sequence of economic phenomena which had clearly demonstrated that our civilization was in greater danger of being turned off than of gradually crumbling away.”

–James Thurber, The Secret Life of James Thurber (published 1943)

“We watched the news with our families, who tried to help us understand, who knew little more than we did, we could see, parents full of their own doubts and sorrows and strained distance from the world.”

—Anne Valente, Our Hearts Will Burn Us Down (published 2016)

Two quotes made over seventy years apart with similar sentiment – no one knows what’s going to happen or understands what has happened and how it came to this. Neither quote was made in response to current day events, and yet they seem to fit.

We were so happy to put the conflict, chaos, and losses of 2020 in the rear view mirror. Now here we are, just days into 2021 – traumatized, frightened, anxious, angry, sorrowful, confused.

And the hits are going to keep coming. We can say with certainty there is more to come. In my daughter’s young life (she was born in June 2001) she has lived through 9/11, 2008 financial crisis, 2020 pandemic and resulting economic fallout, wildfires that blanketed Portland in smoke for days on end (2017 and 2020), and multiple regional conflicts and wars that have gone on virtually her entire life. She has taken to the streets in response to threats to women’s rights, to support Black Lives Matter and social justice, and to protest lack of action on climate change.

She experienced lockdowns when she was in high school, huddled under her desk, knowing it was not a drill but not knowing if it was a vague threat (someone reported armed in the park adjacent to her school) or someone inside her school shooting people. She was deeply traumatized when a close friend attempted suicide, when a friend was raped, when a friend went away to drug treatment, when a friend was diagnosed bipolar, and when a friend died of an unintentional overdose (he thought he was taking pharmaceutical Xanax, but unknowingly took the much more potent fentanyl instead). That was her first funeral for a friend. It was a lot to process in high school.

In my not-so-young life (I was born in 1956) I have lived through all that and more. The assassinations of JFK, Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobby Kennedy stunned the nation. I was 7 years old, at school in my 3^rd grade classroom, when an announcement came over the loudspeaker telling us President Kennedy had been assassinated. Like all the kids, I was confused about what that meant. I was shocked when our teacher started crying; I had never seen a teacher break down and sob before.

I grew up with the Civil Rights movement, the Viet Nam war, Richard Nixon and the Watergate scandal playing on the nightly news. My high school years were witness to fierce arguments when my Korean-War-era, crew-cut-wearing, former Marine Sargent father squared off against my teenage, pot smoking, LSD tripping, long haired brother while watching the nightly news. My dad had been a Marine, his dad and uncles had served in World War II. They were trained to proudly and willingly enter into combat. My brother knew Viet Nam was a different war; there was no honor in dropping napalm on women and children. I was always anxious as the argument heated up. Usually someone would get up and walk away, but a couple of times they came to blows while I stayed small and invisible, too cowardly to intervene. I always hoped dad would go get a beer, or my brother would get in his car and take off to meet up with some friends and get high. There was a period of time where we all smoked pot pretty much every day in high school and I make no apology for that – it allowed us to live under one roof without burning the house down. I don’t talk politics much, given the circumstances of my early introduction to political discourse.

Life went on and the following years included the Savings and Loan bailout (1980s), Rodney King riots (1992), the impeachment of President Clinton (1998), and multiple stock market meltdowns over the decades. The 1973-1974 crash was a coming-of-age jolt of reality – it meant many of my high school friends were forced to scrap their college plans after their parents lost the college fund just as they were graduating high school. Clearly, every generation has social, political, economic, and ideological challenges and traumas.

So, what I want to say to my daughter is get used to it. Buckle up and prepare for more. Global climate change will bring more climate disasters. Technology innovations will continue to disrupt careers you and your friends worked hard to achieve. You can do everything right, and still lose your home, or have your financial nest egg wiped out, in a market free fall. The economic and political divide is widening. The bizarre idea of “alternative facts” and the denial of science create an atmosphere where it is impossible to debate because people can’t agree on what is accurate and true. Certain ideologies (for example, White Supremacy) are impenetrable to argument and reason – there won’t be compromise, there won’t be reconciliation or peace. Making concessions and trying to appease people with those prejudices toward others – prejudices passed down through generations that cause people to cast themselves as victims because other people have managed to achieve basic rights – won’t work.

All I can say to my daughter is we chose to come in these times. The work we came here to do is in the context of the times we’re in. In some ways our world is evolving and people are moving toward higher consciousness. In some ways our world is increasingly dystopian, with greater social and economic inequalities and environmental damage. Prepare to be shocked and bewildered, and then carry on. Your job is to survive, adapt, and bounce back from setbacks as best you can. Don’t get stuck on things you cannot change, put your efforts where you can make a difference.

You have already faced harsh realities. Do your best to face events that are coming with equanimity as they unfold. Do your best to heal the trauma and find peace where you can. We can still love and be loved; nothing can take that away from us. We can still walk in nature and enjoy a sunrise, or backpack into the woods to take a break. We can still create magical moments. If all else fails, find a puppy to play with…

This is me with a neighbor’s puppy when I was 6 years old.

What redeemed my childhood fraught with conflict, both in the world and on the home front? Our beloved family dog. She brought love, protection, comfort and playfulness when it was sorely needed.

I don’t like to rant, but I’ve got to get this out because it is stuck going around and around in my head. I’ve got to get it out in order to let it go.

It’s been a rough spell for religion. Was it watching Donald Trump’s spiritual advisor praying and speaking in tongues to get him re-elected, was it hearing that Pope John Paul II (who was canonized a saint) promoted Theodore McCarrick to Cardinal in the Catholic Church despite confirmed reports of sex abuse, was it the beheading of a teacher walking home from his job on the streets of France, was it Mike Pence congratulating Customs and Border Protection workers for their compassion despite the appalling conditions in immigrant detention facilities he was touring? Or is it all the people professing to be Christians, who won’t show concern and consideration for others by wearing a mask during a pandemic? Over 250,000 Americans are dead, and you can’t convince people who call themselves Christians to protect their neighbors’ lives and livelihood. How many of those deaths could have been prevented, and how is that disregard justified by religion?

Is religion a force for good in the world? These things tell is it is not…

“Holy wars. Inquisitions. Animal sacrifice. Human sacrifice. Superstition. Stultification. Dogmatism. Ignorance. Hypocrisy. Self-righteousness. Rigidity. Cruelty. Book-burning. Witch-burning. Inhibition. Fear. Conformity. Morbid guilt. Insanity. The list is almost endless.”       –M. Scott Peck, M.D., The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth

Some churches shield pedophiles, rapists, and racists. Some religions force young girls into sex, marriage, and childbearing against their will. Some churches are fleecing the flock, i.e. taking money from people who can’t afford it, not to do charity work, but to allow ministers to live like royalty. White supremacists burn crosses onto lawns to terrorize. Other things I find problematic – homophobia, black-and-white thinking devoid of any nuance, the unwillingness to move forward with an evolution in consciousness, the denial of science, and the hierarchy of most churches (where someone – usually an old, white man – is closest to God, speaks for God, is the infallible word of God, or is God on Earth).

I will have my own direct experience and relationship with whatever I choose to call God. I won’t rely upon any church to be my moral compass. Why would I, when religion has been the justification for violence and oppression throughout history? The United States was founded on the genocide of Native Americans and slavery, justified in part by Christianity. (1) (2) Religious violence continues to this day – confirmed by millions of Syrian refugees, the victims of a sectarian conflict with religious groups opposing each other. (3) The dictionary defines sectarianism as a form of prejudice, discrimination, or hatred arising from attaching inferiority and superiority to differences between subdivisions within a group, in this case a religious group. There are plenty more current day examples.

There are things I like about religion. I appreciate the ritual. I appreciate faith in something bigger than oneself. I appreciate the beauty of the monuments built to religion. I appreciate a community of people who help and support each other through life’s challenges. I love singing, chanting, and divinely inspired music. I respect churches that take the lead on social justice and equal rights issues, and work diligently to do good works in their community.

I deeply appreciate the spiritual experience of an electrifying energy coursing through my body – that feeling of intense love and profound understanding filling me up and pushing out everything else. Love. Oneness. Harmony. Perfection. I wish I could connect to that feeling more. I never experience that feeling in church, although the music often opens my heart, and I had good experiences when my daughter was in the children’s choir of one of Portland’s Unitarian Universalist churches. For me, nature is a good place for the spiritual experience, as is the creative process.

For me, spiritual practice is a different thing than adherence to a religious doctrine. My spiritual practice and beliefs help me make sense of a world full of pain and suffering.

I love and respect my friends who practice a diversity of faith traditions. I know they value their church and their religion. I also respect friends that have left religions when they could no longer go along with the doctrine or practices they considered unethical or intolerant.

I have a positive memory of religion as a kid. One of my best friends growing up was Catholic, and Saturday night sleepovers usually ended with me accompanying the family to church on Sunday morning. I had none of the religious instruction, but I did like the vibe – the Latin, the candles, the ritual (now you kneel, now you sit, now you cross yourself, now you pray, etc.). I became familiar with a traditional Latin Catholic mass and it really didn’t matter that I couldn’t understand a word. Maybe it was even better that way because I was left to my own spiritual musings while we sat in the pews. The biggest impact of the experience was seeing my friend’s family function as a unit by getting up and piling into the car and attending church together, then piling back into the car and driving country roads to her grandma’s house for supper. It was a healing balm in a scorched earth childhood, so maybe God was there for me. My parents didn’t trouble themselves to agree or disagree with Catholic doctrine; they were just happy to have me out from underfoot.

Now that I’m an adult, the intolerance in many faiths is hugely problematic for me. I don’t believe there is only one path to God. It is fine with me if you believe in one path, just don’t dictate your beliefs to others, encode them into law, or impose them on me.

I wonder if we will ever get past the narrow mindedness that leads us to believe one particular creation story, and one story of the path to higher consciousness, while categorically dismissing out of hand every other culture’s story as fictional nonsense. The story you believe seems more real and accurate and true to you because it is what you’ve been taught all your life. Every culture around the world asks the question “how did we get here” and every culture has a story to answer that question. Does it make sense that your version is reality, the one true and accurate story, while every other version is fiction? Plenty of people believe every single one of those stories is fantasy and fiction.

If you consider yourself religious, I hope you will step up and call out hypocrisy when you see it. I hope you’ll act with regard for the health and welfare of someone other than yourself and wear a mask during a pandemic. And if your church is fighting for greater tolerance and social justice, carry on, we need your work.

Now that I’ve got that out of my head I can start thinking of baking pies and cooking turkey. In this Season of Thanksgiving, thank you to everyone who is doing all they can to control the spread of Covid-19 and to help people in need right now. If you’re a person of faith, remember, faith without works is lifeless.

(1) Even more fundamentally, indigenous people were just too different: Their skin was dark. Their languages were foreign. And their world views and spiritual beliefs were beyond most white men’s comprehension. … all this stoked racial hatred and paranoia, making it easy to paint indigenous peoples as pagan savages who must be killed in the name of civilization and Christianity. — https://www.history.com/news/native-americans-genocide-united-states

(2) As America commemorates the 400th anniversary of the creation of representative government in what would become the United States, and the first documented recording of captive Africans being brought to its shores, it is also grappling with the ways the country justified slavery. Nowhere is that discussion more fraught than in its churches. “Christianity was proslavery,” said Yolanda Pierce, the dean of the divinity school at Howard University. “So much of early American Christian identity is predicated on a proslavery theology. From the naming of the slave ships, to who sponsored some of these journeys including some churches, to the fact that so much of early American religious rhetoric is deeply intertwined . . . with slaveholding: It is proslavery.” — https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/the-bible-was-used-to-justify-slavery-then-africans-made-it-their-path-to-freedom/2019/04/29/34699e8e-6512-11e9-82ba-fcfeff232e8f_story.html

(3) https://www.worldvision.org/refugees-news-stories/syrian-refugee-crisis-facts

It’s been a tough year. Reflecting back on 2020, there’s been the backdrop of local, national and world events – the pandemic, economic turmoil, stay-at-home orders, a divisive election that feels like is has gone on forever, outrage and protest over the death of George Floyd and others, wildfires (smoke, evacuations, resulting loss of lives and homes) – on top of the more personal family stresses. Many families have had it much worse than ours, with stress from losing jobs and business income, losing housing–food–health care security, even losing family members. World events are pushing my kid into adult worries and responsibilities earlier than I would like. She’s a young adult, and would be taking on adult responsibilities anyway, but the pace is definitely faster and I’m thinking about how to support her in these difficult times.

This has inspired me to write this article about children and stress. You can’t control everything for your kids, but you have dominion over home life, which plays an essential role in building the resilience and skills that help your child bounce back from setbacks, conflicts, and stressors that are inevitably part of their lives.

Here are some questions and ideas to consider for building the resilience and mental toughness our kids need in challenging times…

As adults we do better when we are calm, balanced, well nourished and well rested. This is even more important for children. Are we role-modeling the tools and practices to achieve this?

Do we love the world we live in? Our children chose to come to us in this time, so it is up to us to express joy and delight with life. Do our messages about our world paint a positive picture? Do we demonstrate a reverence for life and gratitude for the journey we share with our children?

What is the appropriateness of what we say in front of our children? Is their involvement in adult conversation and access to news age appropriate? Discuss events in a way that best fits their age and personality.

Is there a balance of quiet and active play, and a balance between calming days vs. arousing days for your child? An active day is OK on occasion, but day after day loaded with activity and stimulation depletes reserves. A busy, hectic, schedule often produces a reactive child. Our bodies were designed to stay in states of “fight or flight” arousal for a very brief period. A prolonged period of elevated stress is well documented to result in negative physical and mental effects. The threshold for children is much lower than adults, even though they sometimes seem to have limitless energy. The pandemic has caused many activities to stop, and the pace of our lives has slowed, sometimes dramatically. This can be good to a point, but expecting children to stay inside, calm and quiet day after day is unrealistic. Plan ways to be active and break the routine. Do dance and exercise routines together. Cook meals together. Do creative projects together. Clean, declutter, and rearrange the house together.

Have you helped your child build a support system? Do they have at least one or two close friends? Do they get the help they need with class work? Do they get help when they need it to handle conflicts?

Does your child get enough exercise, immune-enhancing nutritional food, time outside in nature, enough down-time and an appropriate number of hours of sleep consistently every day? Are meal times relaxed rather than rushed? Is there time to talk and process the day as a family? Do they play and sleep in a space that is clean and uncluttered?

Has your child learned skills to calm and soothe him or herself? A young child may appreciate a “cozy corner” as a place to go when they are feeling tired, over stimulated or overwhelmed. A warm sheepskin, a handmade doll or stuffed animal “friend”, a lavender pillow and one or two picture books create a cozy space to go (not as a punishment, but rather to calm and collect oneself). Exercise, music, yoga are tools. All kids (and parents) benefit from creative expression; it’s a safe way to express feelings and emotions, and break stressful thinking patterns. Have some simple supplies available and consider doing crafting-artistic-DIY projects as a family.

Does your child get enough physical warmth and affection? Does your child know he or she has your emotional support and do you refrain from severe criticism? We are all on our last nerve, and that can result in taking our frustrations out on those we’re closest to and sharing a household with. This is a time to have honest conversations about our stress level, cultivate awareness of when we are venting on our partners/children because of our worries and frustrations, and apologize when it happens.

Is there a spiritual practice within your family? Many adults use prayer, meditation or visualization to stay in balance, and children can too. A simple visualization can be a helpful tool – for example, help your child visualize a column of light coming down from the heart of God, surrounding and protecting him. Or imagine a ray of light coming down from the sky and spreading peace, love and joy across the planet. Guide your child through a meditation on a nature scene. Help your child create a positive visual image to use at bedtime or when they are stressed – for example, a picture of them with their friends (maybe a friend they are having difficulty with) being surrounded by angels whispering messages of wisdom into their ears to help guide their actions.

Does your child have your undivided attention for conversation at some point in the day? Frequent, in-depth conversations and communication between parents and children help build resilience. So does a support network of adults outside the home that can offer access to a variety of adult viewpoints and experiences. This network of other adults is harder to provide right now, but technology tools can help.

Does your home have clear rules and expectations? Clear boundaries for behavior that enforce structure and rules within the household are helpful, along with reasonable and consistent discipline/consequences when rules are violated.

Research shows these traits and characteristics increase resilience and act as “protective factors”

• A sense of purpose and belief in a positive future.
• A commitment to education and learning.
• The ability to act independently and feel a sense of control over one’s environment.
• The ability to be adaptable and flexible.
• The ability to have empathy and caring for others.
• The ability to solve problems.
• The ability to plan for the future.
• The ability to be resourceful in seeking out sources of support.
• Conflict resolution and critical thinking skills.

Your home life and conversations can support the development of these traits. Keep the age and developmental stage of your child (or children) in mind.

It is an important job to prepare our kids for the world we live in, with a lot of moving parts right now. One thing has made me feel hopeful – I was raised by two depression-era parents. They both lived through great stress and deprivation during the depression and World War II, and came out of their experiences as resourceful and resilient adults who lived rich, full lives they enjoyed. Perhaps their tough experiences prepared them for adult life in a way an easy childhood would not have. Likewise, while my childhood was idyllic in some ways, it was very tough for me in other ways and despite the challenges I’ve gone on to fulfill my dreams. I know with love and support our kids can too. I like remembering this song lyric from another very divisive time in America. “Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on” (1970, Crosby, Stills and Nash, and Young, Carry On). It helps me remember we have gone through turmoil before and we’ve come out the other side.

The sky is clearing and the night has cried enough
The sun, he comes, the world to soften up
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on

The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song
Now witness the quickness with which we get along
To sing the blues you’ve got to live the dues and carry on

Carry on, love is coming, love is coming to us all

I continue to go for walks and enjoy what I see in the neighborhood as the summer season comes to an end and we are full-on into fall. I read “Bettering Myself” from Homesick for Another World by Ottessa Moshfegh and saw the parallel in my life with what she wrote. “Oh, okay, there were a few fine times. One day I went to the park and watched a squirrel run up a tree. A cloud flew around in the sky. I sat down on a patch of dry yellow grass and let the sun warm my back.”

No matter how troubled the times, small delicious pleasures – blue sky, bright flowers, a fairy doorway, dry grasses blowing in the wind, sun shining, fruit ripening, leaves changing color – never fail to delight me and lift my spirits. So I walk every day. I gather little bits from nature and put them in an antique wooden bowl when I get home.

I’m seeing a lot of travel trailers, vans and campers; took a photo of a vintage one I thought looked fun. Super popular way to vacation right now. Friends are waiting for a T@B teardrop trailer they ordered; it should show up in November and then I’ll get a first-hand report of their travel adventures. Might be inspired to follow in their foot-steps.

I’m on a news blackout right now; was just feeling overloaded in the past few days. Longer walks are great, and my photography is a way for me to anchor the moments of happy discovery. Life is fleeting; the sun will never shine through the leaves in exactly this way again. The sunset evolves from moment to moment. Leaves will fall, the sky will be overcast, the sun will be lower in the sky. So I capture the moment and hang onto it with gratitude.

Winter rain is inevitable, and we will see what the next season brings to delight the senses.

Most DIY projects are home décor or gifts. This one is different because it makes something for you and you alone to appreciate. It involves meditation, collage, making a collage of the collages, local printing, $ store poster board and tape. What you end up with is a Spirit Animal Totem Pole. The only thing this project has in common with other DIY projects is an item from the $1 store.

Everything anybody creates is inspired by something. My project was inspired by the book SoulCollage® Evolving: An Intuitive Collage Process for Self-Discovery & Community(specifically Chapter 7), by Seena B. Frost. Her work was inspired by The Personal Totem Poleby Eligio Stephen Gallegos. In simple terms, this is a process for discovering and honoring your chakra power animals. There’s a lot involved in the step of discovering. Then comes the collage step. Then to create a totem pole I made a collage of images for each animal and attached them to poster board in the order of the chakras.

I wrote a more detailed article for the SoulCollage® Community Update newsletter, November 2020 issue. A meditation process brings forward an animal associated with each chakra. What I want to share here is the creation of the totem pole with images of the animals.

Step 1: Each SoulCollage® card was created with a 5 inch x 8 inch cardboard, images, and glue. Images were taken from non-copyrighted sources online, and from images I cut from magazines, old calendars and greeting cards I had at hand. I made multiple cards for each animal (not necessary, but I really enjoy this process). For example, these are three of the individual 5×8 cards I created for wolf.

Step 2: To make a collage of the collages and print them, first I scanned the 5×8 collage images, then went online to Walgreens photo, uploaded those images, selected the collage prints option, fiddled with the number and position of the images, then printed a collage print for each animal. With a promotion of 50% off photo (which the site does frequently) it was $2.49 for each 8×10 collage. Project cost under $20 for photos and poster board. These are the collage prints for snake and butterfly.

Step 3: Cut the poster board in half and connect the halves into one tall and narrow piece that is 9 ¾ inches wide by x 51 inches tall. I connected the pieces with duct tape. Not terribly elegant, but it worked.

Step 4: Attach the 8×10 collage prints in the order of the chakras using double-sided tape.

My personal totem pole: looks like this:

7^thchakra         Crown Chakra             Butterfly         Spirituality

6^thchakra         Third Eye Chakra       Leopard           Intuition

5^thchakra         Throat Chakra             Snake               Communication

4^thchakra         Heart Chakra               Deer                Love

3^rdchakra        Solar Plexus Chakra    Owl                 Power

2^ndchakra        Sacral Chakra              Bear                 Creativity/Sexuality

1^stchakra         Root Chakra                Wolf                Survival

I had a couple versions of the totem pole. After creating the first one, I redid a couple of the animal collages because I felt the animals would be more impactful by eliminating some of the other collage elements (for example, a butterfly landing on the forehead of a child was great symbolism, but didn’t highlight butterfly as much as I wanted).

Version 1

Version 2

Of course, I could have just laid out a single image for each animal in a more traditional totem pole, like this.

This is a deeply personal and meaningful piece for me. And I love that every person’s creation will be a unique set of animals, in a unique order on their totem pole.

Creating the art was a first step. To learn more, I did reading and research on my animals. I searched online using terms like “spirit animals”, “animal spirit guides”, “animal spirits and what they symbolize”, “spirit animal companions”, “animal symbolism” and “animal totems”.

I found the book Spirit Animals: Unlocking the Secrets of Our Animal Companions by Stefanie Iris Weiss. Also, Animal Spirit Guides: An Easy-to-use Handbook for Identifying and Understanding your Power Animals and Animal Spirit Helpers by Steven Farmer. This information helped me come to an understanding of what it means when butterfly shows up as the 7^th chakra animal or snake shows up as the 5^th chakra.

Again, this is not a DIY for everybody, but I especially recommend it if you’re in a period of self-exploration, self-reinvention, or exploring a major life transition or challenge. This entire year has been challenging, both on a personal and more global level. Excellent timing for this project.

** I want to note that my Snake collage contains an image that was created in an intuitive art animal spirit guide reading done for me by the artist Susan Tower. I loved this process and honor the art that came forward.

On the happy occasion of my 24^thwedding anniversary I look back on the journey that brought me here with gratitude for every single experience. I wasn’t always grateful for each experience as I had it, but I feel gratitude now looking back. I dated for over 20 years, and even had one short marriage, before finding my life partner. I dreamed I would have a great love in my life and I never gave up on that dream despite many heartbreaks and setbacks. There were times I doubted myself; I had to grow in many ways in order to have the open heart that could receive deep and lasting love.

How, as a person who could not sustain a relationship past a few years, and couldn’t keep it good for more than one or two, have I sustained love over a quarter of a century? Some say I just got lucky, and no doubt I am lucky, but there were also decades of learning and growing, which still continues. In looking back to how I got here, and being a person who loves a list, I decided to share some lists that summarize what I learned in my 20 years of dating and relationships prior to my marriage.

Ten Things I Learned on My Journey to Love

1. The Universe has its own timing.
2. In order to have a meaningful love, have a meaningful life.
3. You can only attract your right partner when you are being your authentic self. There’s the saying, “I’d rather be disliked for who I am than loved for who I’m pretending to be” and I honor the truth in that.
4. Co-creation is a powerful tool – partner with the Universe (or whatever you call the thing that is bigger than you).
5. Take ownership and responsibility for the experiences you are having. Your outer experience is a reflection of your inner reality. (If partners don’t value you, check your own beliefs about your value. If everyone lies to you, how are you lying to yourself? Etc.)
6. Relationship challenges are our opportunity to learn and grow. And the opportunity to clarify what we do and don’t want in a relationship.
7. Everything is energy and like attracts like. If you don’t like what you’re getting then look at what you are putting out energetically in your interactions.
8. Respect the power of telling the truth, even when it is hard.
9. Never give up. Your darkest hour can be the turning point. The worst day of your life (a devastating breakup) can ultimately become the best day of your life because it is the day that sparked your reinvention.
10. Act in faith and take the next step. You don’t know where your journey will ultimately take you so you have to trust that each step is a necessary part of the journey. If you are walking around in circles and having the same experience over and over, look back at Step 6 – what’s the lesson you are missing, the pattern that’s repeating? Ultimately, when you settle into a wonderful relationship with your right partner you’ll know in your heart, “I am grateful for everything that has brought me to this moment.”

Have some fun and enjoy the journey. Have lots of adventures and unique experiences. Try new things. Learn new things. Go new places. Not every person is the one you’ll spend your life with, but value and enjoy getting to know a variety of people.

Remember – “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.”            –Margaret Lee Runeck

Quit “looking for love” and instead remove the barriers to love that live inside you. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”–RUMI

Ten things that have to line up for love and life partnership.

Love can be based on physical attraction, but life partnership requires a lot more. When you are done with lust and infatuation, and start to get serious about a relationship that is a long-term commitment, hold onto the physical attraction and consider the rest of  this list.

1. Timing – where you are in life and what you want now.
2. Values
3. Lifestyle.
4. Temperament. There’s some flexibility here, but constant arguing indicates a basic incompatibility. It’s no way to live and is a top reason couples divorce.
5. Interests (It helps to have some overlap in things you both enjoy, and also good to have separate interests with different sets of friends and colleagues).
6. Desire for kids (don’t assume you’ll change his mind).
7. Absence of deal-breakers (know your deal-breakers and don’t ignore them). Substance abuse, chronic financial problems, infidelity, abuse, fitness level, level of desire for sexual intimacy, wanting children, etc. I lost many years believing a man who loves me will change for me, or that my love would change him. Compromise on the small things, but hold out for what’s important. Wouldn’t it be better if he could find someone to love him as he is, and you found someone who is a good match without requiring a major overhaul?
8. Respect – demonstrated mutual respect.
9. Healthy relationship with money. (You don’t have to have the same amount of income or the same spending habits, but a big disconnect with how you each handle money is another top reason for divorce.)
10. Shared life goals.

Ten capacitates you need for well-functioning relationships.

1. Ability to give love and receive love.
2. Ability to let go of always being “right” and always winning the argument.
3. Ability to find balance.
4. Ability to trust your intuition.
5. Ability to tell the truth.
6. Ability to stay true to yourself in a relationship.
7. Ability to get past the fear of loss and fear of the unknown.
8. Ability to bounce back, shift the energy, find resilience for the inevitable ups and downs.
9. Ability to know what you need, and ask in a way the allows the request to be heard.
10. Ability to create a good life, with or without a partner. Don’t wait for a partner to live the life you want. Two people that both have a full, rich life can come together and share new interests, new groups of friends, and new adventures.

The Unlucky 13 – These Were My Deal Breakers

I learned this list the hard way. If I had known these things up front I would have saved myself a lot of tears. In my case, I had to try on different relationships and experience the contrast between what I did and did not want. I had to learn how to pace a relationship and get to know the person before I was head-over-heals infatuated. Note: I dated men, so I use “he” but these apply equally across gender.

1. He loves to party, every time you see him he’s using alcohol/drugs, and he finds any alcohol and drug free activity boring.
2. He is mean or rude toward other woman – ex-partners, service people, co-workers, or family – with demeaning and disrespectful talk.
3. He is “all in” with the relationship before he even knows you. He wants to move in, pool finances, plan extravagant travel together, even propose marriage based on the fact that he’s crazy about you, all after a couple of dates. Don’t hesitate to slow down if he pushes your pace; if it is going to be wonderful it’ll still be happily humming along as you spend time together over a period of weeks and months.
4. He is such a free spirit or artist that he has complete disregard for keeping commitments or showing up on time. He likes to keep all his options open and “go with the flow” which means you’ll see him when there’s nothing better going on.
5. He is super possessive. Especially if he likes to keep you on the defensive about your friends and activities, and treats you like you are cheating. He is projecting his own cheating onto you. It may be flattering for a minute, but know that there is no bigger red flag for domestic violence.
6. None of your friends or family like him; he expects you to push away friends and family. “It’s just you and me against the world.”
7. He can’t manage his temper, loses it over little things, and gets physical.
8. Does not live within his means.
9. It’s all about the grand gesture. He likes to make a big show and get a lot of attention for doing something grand, but he does not come through on day-to-day thoughtfulness, courtesy and respect.
10. Little details don’t fit, and his life story doesn’t add up. You catch him in small lies. Please do not ever disregard your intuition when it is telling you something is wrong.
11. This is a new one in the era of online dating – meet him in person very early on, and if he’s not willing to do that, forget it. Also, if first contact is lewd and sexual, forget it.
12. He has the attitude “the rules don’t apply to me”. He can’t hear the word “no”. You see him lie to or cheat other people. This pattern of behavior tells you you’re with a very antisocial, self-involved, and narcissistic person. In my experience, it does not end well. I got to the point I would throw out a “no” on some small matter early on to test whether “no” would be heard and respected.
13. He appears to ask your opinion and offer you a choice, but ultimately you always end up going to the restaurant, movie, or activity he chooses, in the time or location that’s best for him.

For other people, geographic location, religious beliefs, inability to run a marathon, or kids from prior relationships might be deal breakers. I learned to ask very explicitly “are you married” and “do you have kids”. I was amazed at how many men could simply forget to mention these important details in early conversations. If he lies in the beginning, even by omission, he’s a liar. He need not divulge everything about his past on the first date, nor should he. Allow for the possibility that everyone has things from their past they’re not proud of; that we all change, grow and evolve. But a direct question deserves a direct and honest answer.

I completely quit using the term soul mate and replaced it with my right partner. The affirmation below worked for me. As soon as this declaration was in my consciousness, and became my intention for the partner I wanted, my love life changed radically.

“I draw to myself my right partner, the soul whose love serves my soul’s highest potential, the soul whom my soul enhances to highest potential. I draw this partner to me freely and lovingly as I am drawn to this partner. I choose and am chosen out of pure love, pure respect, and pure liberty. I attract one who attracts me equally. I seek and am found. We are a match made in heaven to better this earth.”– Julia Cameron, Heart Steps: Prayers and Declarations for a Creative Life.

If you don’t like that affirmation, create your own. There is power in asking the Universe for what you want in direct and affirmative terms.

And here is a list of 3 books that I wish had been written while I was dating.

• He’s Just Not that Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
• Have Him At Hello by Rachel Greenwald.
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

There it is, lists, quotes, books, and thoughts on love. I could write at length about every item on every list and tell the story of how I got to that awareness. I might tell those stories at some time in the future, but for now, I hope these lists get you thinking. Sometimes it is awakening to the realization of your one Achilles heel that changes the trajectory and outcome of your journey. I wish you all the best.

Yard signs are prolific! As people are at home, this is one way they’re voicing what’s on their minds. You may have seen my previous Signs of the Times that covered a wide range of issues. This post is devoted to election yard signs only. I did not include all the local candidates and ballot measures, just national. In all my weeks of walking I have yet to see a single sign supporting the reelection of Donald Trump. I live in Portland, so maybe that explains it. There is Trump support in rural Oregon, as we have seen when communities outside Portland brought their rallies to downtown and a clash of cultures ensued.

It has been a long and exhausting election season. There’s a lot of “just get it over with already” sentiment. I live in progressive Portland, Oregon. I wonder what messages are on signs in rural Oregon and elsewhere. I saw one just outside of Portland that said “Enough is Enough, Vote Republican” and I had to laugh, who do they think has been in power? Maybe the sign referenced something more local to that town. Like a lot of states, Oregon has a very urban-rural divide. In past elections, Portland friends who have moved to more rural areas and put up signs for Democratic candidates had their signs stolen out of their yards. So much for freedom of speech.

Hope springs eternal and I will never give up hope for a well functioning democracy that acts on behalf of all Americans, and hope for candidates that want unity and inclusion in government.